Skip navigation

Monthly Archives: May 2011

While I was walking home the other night, a thought occurred to me. And while I admit that this thought was primarily brought on by sleep deprivation and several other effects that the scientific community refers to as trippin’ balls, the fact remains that as I sit here sober the idea is still amusing. So, what the hell!? Isn’t that the test?

In a criminal drama, there’s always that moment when the investigating team finds a small clue, but the resultant information gathered far outweighs what would be reasonable to deduce. What I mean is that they come up with an entire plot’s worth of leads out of a single hint in a way that looks pretty ridiculous when you pull back for a moment. But maybe I’m over-thinking it, I’ll just demonstrate this idea.

Say the clue is a photograph for an example. Say it’s my photograph for a more specific example.

This sentence doesn't have any hidden clues, but you feel better about finding it anyway.

Say it's this photograph for the most specific example.

Now, I’m not saying that my keys have been in a crime scene, but I am saying that the breakdown of the “facts” would work something like this.

1. We know that the subject doesn’t own a vehicle, because all three keys are residential in cut. Ergo, he walks whenever he leaves his house, which we’re guessing is not very often based on the fact that he hasn’t gotten a new lanyard for his keys in over four years.
2. We know the age of the subject’s lanyard because we ran a search on the address printed, and it lead us to St.FX’s site. However, recently they stopped issuing them to residents, because of the tendency for them to catch on buildings, furniture, etc.
3. We know that the subject holds on to the past more than a healthy individually because he hasn’t been an attendant at that university, nor has he lived in that county in over two years. He’s also underhanded because the cut of the Weiser brand key matches those used in dormitories on St.FX’s upper campus. (The lower campus uses card key’s because they were more recently renovated.) The fact that he still holds on to it means that he decided not to return that key in case it’s ever profitable to return to that building later.
4. The largest key on the rings is an Ilco brand key. They make colourful keys of animals, scenery, cartoons… you know, that sort of thing… and he’s using one with a cat on it. The fact that there’s no identifiable marks on it suggests that he doesn’t own a cat at all. That, and the lack of cat hair on any of the personal effects we picked up probably indicates that he’s allergic to cats. Which means he’s compensating for it by using an image of a cat for his building key.
5. The third key is a Curtis brand, smaller, and more generic than the others. It’s his apartment key. I’m willing to bet that the subject picked a less personal key either because he deems his own personal residence less important than the collective nature of the building, or it’s a holdover from a childhood where he was raised by fairly authoritarian-socialist parents who prioritized the many over an individual.
6. Lastly, we found the camera with his fingerprints on it and examined the exif data. We know that he has way too much time on his hands, because he took this picture. He wanted us to follow him.



Presentation values can blow me.

Here are three beers that I found in the apartment that I moved into this week. Since there were exactly 3 unique beers, I felt it necessary to consume them and post about it. I also felt it necessary to dick around for a week or so before I posted them.

First up! Oland’s Schooner Ale (5% alc. by vol.)

Apparently, the can is about to go super-nova.

I used to drink these with my father and my uncle out in the middle of fucking nowhere. I cannot for the life of me think of a more generic beer to guzzle. It’s mildly bitter, and it’s without a sharpness. It smells a bit like you’re the second person to drink it if you catch my drift. But it’s cheap, and if you’re drinking this shit, you can ignore the taste.

Next in the fridge was St-Ambroise’s “Oatmeal Stout”  (5% alc. by vol.)

There is literally nothing clever that comes to my mind about this beer, so I've put it in the middle so as not to end on a low-note.

A heavier beer, this one hold true to it’s name. Smell is heavy, taste is distinct without relying on a high booze content. I enjoyed it quite a bit, but I would like to know if someone out there can reverse this product, and make me a stout bowl of boozy oatmeal.

Lastly. Red Stripe, from fuckin’ Jamaica or some shit. I don’t even. (4.7% alc. by vol.)

That smudge you see on the label is my blood. That'll ...sadly do nothing to teach me to open a bottle with a spoon.

Jamaican blondes are the sort of thing that generally only get searched for on sites like Redtube, but fuck it. It was free for me, so it’s good. It’s a little bit sweet and light compared to the other two. I’m just not sure it’s worth keeping a bottle opener handy. What can I say? I’m a sucker for pop-tops… and holding on to my recently improved CBC stat.

That’s blood, not newsnet, jackass.